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Category: rednecks

You Keep Using That Word. I Do Not Think It Means What You Think It Means

You Keep Using That Word. I Do Not Think It Means What You Think It Means

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To keep things scientistcally ignant, I prefer to mix my margaritas on the veranda in my finest flip flops while watching NASCAR on my third-string tee vee that I keep next to my Budweiser tool chest. That way I won’t miss a moment of the four-hour race when I go from my living room to my porch. The TV on the porch shouldn’t be confused with the ones I have in the bedroom, kitchen, dining room, den, bathroom, and garage. The one on the porch is much smaller than the others, even the one in the bathroom. Watching NASCAR on a 72-inch screen is the only way I can pinch a loaf anymore.

Although my bathroom habits are about as compelling to talk about as Egyptian economics, I feel like an enormous portion of the population has the same problem. I’ve been watching too much TV again, which has left me with the impression that no one owns a car, but everyone wants to buy a pickup truck, and there isn’t a male human being on the planet who is capable of maintaining a stiffie without choking down enough pills to start a nursing home pharmacy.

Then again, that’s just my take on it, and I’ve been notoriously unperceptive about these things. I tend to drift in and out of watching TV, only glimpsing a few precious minutes every year or so, which should immediately void my opinion. This is also why I shouldn’t be let out unattended, because I’ll start yelling at cars, postal workers, and anyone else insane enough to go outside.

I Bet You Write Taylor Swift Lyrics In Birthday Cards

I Bet You Write Taylor Swift Lyrics In Birthday Cards

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(Warning: extra salty language with a side of flapjacks and maple syrup)

I really feel for the fellows in the video. I don’t have any sisters, but if I did, I think I’d be even more protective than they were. While I’m sure that my father would have a thing or two to say about his daughters going out with hockey players, I don’t know if he could speak with the same sort of candor as I would.

While calling someone a cotton-headed ninnymuggins should be more than enough to discourage them from getting fresh with your kin, sometimes you have to break out the big guns. This video is an excellent example of breaking out the big guns. Conversational big guns can stop a would-be scumbag dead in his tracks. Breaking out the big guns is what stopped the cold war. Regan called up Gorbachev and told him to cut the crap or he’d have to come over there and cut it himself. I haven’t read many history books, but I’m at least relatively sure that’s what happened. Either way, I’ll chalk it up as a victory for the Western world. Regan probably called him Spotty a few times, just for good measure.

Redneck Sprinkler 2014

Redneck Sprinkler 2014

[Warning: very salty language]

Bold, confident, innovative; these are just some of the words a businessman would use when talking about his company. But we here at Redneck Supplies LLC like to think we can say more interesting words about our company than any of our rivals. We’re just as enterprising, cocksure, and newfangled as our competitors, but at half the cost. We source all of our products from local entrepreneurs, cutting down on shipping costs, so we can bring you the best items for the lowest price.

I am proud to present the newest model from our award winning line of Redneck Sprinklers. As you can see from our live demonstration, the volunteer is not only rocked and rolled; he is thrown to the ground to be stomped and smushed at the user’s convenience.

So act now, so you and your loved ones can experience the wonder of our Redneck Sprinkler system. Now on sale for only forty-nine payments of $29.95.

[Many thanks to the indispensable Leon for sending this one along]

Ye Olde Diet Coke And Mentos

Ye Olde Diet Coke And Mentos

[Warning: The video gets quite loud for no apparent reason about halfway through]

I’m beginning to think that no one drinks diet Coke, they just use it to molest Mentos. Same goes for the Mentos. I can’t think of a single point in my life where I heard of someone actually eating Mentos. It simply hasn’t been done. I bet that no one here can tell me what Mentos really taste like. Now that I think of it, I have no idea what Mentos are to begin with. Are they mints? Are they candy? Are they even edible? Who knows — and who cares. I’m certainly not going to put myself at risk by eating one.