How Low Can You Go?

Those crazy Finndanenorseswedes, what will they get up to next? Before you know it they’ll form little book clubs, travel around from seaport to seaport in long-ish boats pillaging the countryside, and carrying off slightly less attractive women than they already have at home. I can’t  remember the last time anyone sensible went on a murderous, intercontinental rampage. The Mongols have been strangely quiet in recent years, the Vikings are too obsessed with soccer and writing plays where no one says anything, and the Huns — well I’m not sure about the Huns. I think they got taken over by the Garians. How would I know? They don’t write. They don’t call.

Maybe the Finnswedenorsedanes have figured out that it’s a lot easier to be a vague nuisance to your friends, neighbors, and countrymen than to get the horde back together, man. The logistics of keeping multiple continents in your frosty iron grip gets complicated. Do you know how much it costs to equip every soldier in your army with proper flaying equipment? For the same price you could just import human skin and skin-based products from any country known as a People’s Democratic Republic. Anything goes there already, so invading would be superfluous.

Terrorizing the world isn’t as easy as it used to be. Bieber gave it a go from his icy lair in the north, but the last Canadian that really scared anyone was Brian Mulroney, I think. If you really want to be a thorn in the World’s side, run a blog; it’s a lot cheaper than many of the alternatives, and it’s as cold as Norsedaneswedeland in mom’s basement anyway. You’re halfway there already.

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