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Category: girlie men

I’m Just Getting Kinda TO’d Because She Hasn’t Even Sent Me A Full Body Shot Yet

I’m Just Getting Kinda TO’d Because She Hasn’t Even Sent Me A Full Body Shot Yet


Dating is a tricky, dangerous business. Tricky because it’s more sophisticated and difficult that Chinese calculus, and dangerous because women are usually involved. Guys act really weird when trying to attract the attention of the opposite gender. Take this video for example: those guys are trying everything they can think of to look appealing when they’d be much better off sitting completely still for three minutes and staring into the camera. From that footage alone a woman can tell if they want you or not. Trust me, saying anything will significantly reduce your chances of actually finding anyone.

When I go out on a date or I’m trying to flirt with someone, I usually only say about four words: hi, bye, and check, please. If she asks me any questions I either nod or grunt to answer. I’m told that I’m a very good listener. Every once in a while our eyes meet, but even then I don’t say anything, or smile, or give any indication of how I’m feeling. These simple methods have worked supremely well for me — none of my dates have ever called me back for another date.

I think I might have the wrong attitude for dating, but I like eating at restaurants and I don’t like to go alone. Normally, I’d just hire working girls to go out to dinner with me, but there are tons of women who will eat with you for free.

Don’t Be That Guy

Don’t Be That Guy

It should be your goal in life to never be that guy. You know what I mean: The guy who roller skates around the airport with a go pro staked on the end of a javelin, pretending that he’s cool because he’s wearing suspenders and forgot to comb his hair in any sensible way. That guy. He even put a hashtag in the title just to get my goat. If I wanted to be bombarded with meaningless symbols that were made popular by people who typed War and Peace with their thumbs every day, I’d make a Twitter account.

If I said the camera has to be trained on him throughout the whole video because he’s so gosh darn interesting and really comes up with some witty dialogue, I’d be lying. I’ve watched at least half of this video, and I can tell you that he doesn’t utter a single sound the entire time. It gives sort of a Penn and Teller effect, except Penn is lying in a puddle of his own vomit in the middle of the stage and Teller has become shorter and very punchable.

To be honest, I’m just jealous because when I was eleven I saw a commercial for Heelys and I would have given up several non-vital organs to get my hands on a pair. That’s me lying again — the only things I’d give up a kidney for are Moon Shoes and for the TSA to stop staring menacingly at my carry on bag full of James Joyce novels and black tar heroin.

(Many thanks to Charles Schneider for sending this one our way)

Whenever You Take A Selfie The Communists Win

Whenever You Take A Selfie The Communists Win

Unbelieveable, absolutely unbelievable. The man is on top of a building so high that if you dropped a penny off the side it would rip the spine out of any pedestrian it hit, and he checks his phone for text messages. That’s something you do waiting in line at the DMV or at your grandma’s funeral, not while one thousand some odd feet in the air. Wave, scream, laugh, cry, jump, do a flip, I don’t really care. Please stop playing with your stupid phone.

This whole selfie business has got to stop. If you want to take a picture of something, take its damn picture. Don’t insert yourself in every photo for the sake of seeing your face plastered on everything. You’re not Stalin, the proletariat aren’t going to erect you an effigy on every street-corner.

You’re not as interesting as you think you are and your family likes to pretend you’re adopted.

Ye Olde Diet Coke And Mentos

Ye Olde Diet Coke And Mentos

[Warning: The video gets quite loud for no apparent reason about halfway through]

I’m beginning to think that no one drinks diet Coke, they just use it to molest Mentos. Same goes for the Mentos. I can’t think of a single point in my life where I heard of someone actually eating Mentos. It simply hasn’t been done. I bet that no one here can tell me what Mentos really taste like. Now that I think of it, I have no idea what Mentos are to begin with. Are they mints? Are they candy? Are they even edible? Who knows — and who cares. I’m certainly not going to put myself at risk by eating one.