Well. There’s a reason my Irish friends and I used to call Saint Patrick’s Day “Amateur Hour.” Any day set aside on the calendar to act completely out of character generally ends in tears. I mean, picture “You’re a Rodeo Clown” day, or maybe, “Knife Throwing Can’t Be That Hard de Mayo,” or the “Scuba Diving Just This Once” celebration. That’s basically what Saint Patrick’s Day is to the average person.

Don’t get me wrong. Everyone in the video isn’t a jackass because they got drunk, just this once, because they think those dumb Micks drink all the time. Everyone in the video looks plenty accustomed to being drunk fairly regularly. What they’re totally failing at is being the least bit charming while they’re inebriated. It’s the charming part that the Irish have down flat. Everyone in the video is just plain down flat.

The video is called Drunk Fails, but it’s terribly misnamed. Everyone’s coccyx gets a workout, but there’s really only one, big, stupid FAIL on display throughout the whole thing: No one is ever going to learn which way to hold their phone when taking a video, are they?

In any case, Happy Saint Patrick’s Day! Try to stay out of the emergency room, will you?