If I had a death wish, I’d answer the question, “Do these pants make my bum look big?” If I had a death wish, I’d answer the question, “What are you looking at?” If I had a death wish, I’d go back for seconds at the buffet on a cruise ship.

If I had a death wish, I’d play lawn darts with Michael j. Fox. Simply jumping a BMX bike from one satellite dish to another in the remnants of the Soviet Union doesn’t scare me, though. Of course, I’ve seen Russian dashcam videos. If I had a death wish, I’d drive to abandoned satellite dishes in the Ukraine. Once I was up off the ground, I’d feel a heckuva lot safer.

(Many thanks to faithful reader Johnny Glendale for sending that one along)