My name is Ford, and if you study with my eight-week program you will learn a system of operating a Nimitz-class aircraft carrier that I developed over two seasons of bombing Japan into a fine dust. It’s called Ford Kwon Do! After one week with me in my eight-week program, you’ll be prepared to crash into parked cars with the strength of a Ford, the reflexes of a cruise missile, and the wisdom of a man.

At Ford Kwan Do, we use the buddy system. No more flying solo. You need somebody watching your back at all times. Second off, you’re gonna learn to discipline your image. You think I got where I am today because I dressed like Peter Pan over here? Take a look at what I’m wearing, people. You think anybody wants a roundhouse kick to the face while I’m wearing these bad boys? Forget about it.

Last off, my students will learn about self respect. You think anybody thinks I’m a failure because I go home to Starla at night? Forget about it! Now, for only $300 you can sign up right now — for my eight-week program.