I used to watch a lot of the Simpsons when I was growing up. It came on after Third Rock From the Sun, but before Seinfeld, and it was really the only show I was interested in. I haven’t seen very much of it lately, but from what I can tell I’m not missing very much. One of the main things I liked about early Simpsons episodes were the McBain shorts that were scattered around like little treats every season. I vividly remember telling my mother that I would watch a McBain movie if they made one. I feel as if a great burden has been lifted off of me now that I’ve seen the full McBain movie. It’s as glorious as I had hoped.

Unfortunately, before I discovered this video, I had the misfortune of seeing a lot of terrible action movies. I hoped they would be half as good as 30 seconds of a McBain movie, but I was sorely mistaken. Many of the movies attempted to have a plot, which is unacceptable. It’s even worse when they have scenes with important dialogue and acting. When I watch an action movie I’m looking for explosions, stabbing, fast cars, loose women, and lots of heavy breathing. All dialogue between the actors should be grunted, muttered, or screamed; talking is unacceptable.

Many people feel the same way that I do, which is vaguely encouraging. People usually avoid me at parties because of my strong opinions. That, and my equally strong odor. When it comes to action films, everyone seems to think that they’ve gone a bit soft. Very few films fit the criteria that I’ve laid out. It’s gotten to the point that most action films are unwatchable. The other day I went to the theater to see the newest action drivel and people started to get up and leave within the first twenty minutes. While everyone was gathering their jackets and ludicrously priced popcorn, one of the ushers stood up and shouted:

“Wait!” His commanding tone caught our attention for a few, short seconds. “Women and children first!”