No one likes littering — no one. Next to infanticide and voting for the Green Party, littering is one of the worst things a person can do. I may or may not be exaggerating for effect, but you get the point. I have noticed that littering bothers regular people much more than it bothers anyone else, which is strange because they’re not directly affected. The demographics who are affected don’t really seem to give a crap.

Squirrels and other small animals love littering because it gives them a free, half-eaten meal. Hobos like it because they can pick up the recyclables for some of that sweet, sweet bottle return cash. Teenagers like it because they can beat up the hobos and take all their bottle return cash. And the fattened squirrels are run over by motorists, completing the cycle. It’s a beautiful life we lead thanks to littering. We have an entire ecosystem that’s been built up around chucking crap out of your car window, and life has never been better.

Except for all of those stupid porpoises who get their noses caught in those plastic rings that come with a six-pack. From all appearances their lives seem to suck, but they totally deserve it. That’s what they get for being smug little sea-pricks all the time. Who’s swimming around without a care in the world now? Pro tip: it’s not you.

(Many thanks to the incorrigible Charles Schneider for sending this our way)