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The Movie With an Excess of Zeal

The Movie With an Excess of Zeal

Free Advice: Don’t try to win an Oscar for an adventure picture the same year that Lawrence of Arabia gets made. Don’t try to make any money, either.

So you get Marlon Brando to annoy Captain Bligh for you while he tries to decide what kind of accent a British person has. That’s supposed to put butts in the seats. But it didn’t. They made a real, live Bounty for the movie, and sailed it all over the Pacific, but even that didn’t help. Brando got a hot looking wife out of the deal, and bought an island or two, but everyone else took a saltwater bath on the deal.

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The Navarong Artillery

The Navarong Artillery

You know, Steven Speilberg didn’t invent Nazis.

The history of moviemaking is only a century old or so. It’s really possible to see all the notable movies ever made. That’s because there aren’t very many of them. A few movies break new ground, one way or another, or at least get the fundamentals of story-telling correct for a  change. Then Hollywood apes them in hundreds of movies until the audience can’t take it any more, and starts watching television. The suits wait for a new messiah to take them from the desert of Victor Mature movies to the Promised Land of The Guns of Navarone.

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In a World Where Oompa-Loompas Stalk the Countryside and Bathe In the Blood of Their Victims, One Man Will Try to Rule Them All

In a World Where Oompa-Loompas Stalk the Countryside and Bathe In the Blood of Their Victims, One Man Will Try to Rule Them All

There’s no earthly way of knowing, which direction we are going. There’s no knowing where we’re rowing, or which way the river’s flowing. Is it raining? Is it snowing? Is a hurricane a–blowing?

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The Plot Of Every Jurassic Park Movie

The Plot Of Every Jurassic Park Movie

That just about sums it up. Nothing more to see here. The movie’s over; everyone can go home. Get the hell out of my movie theater.

Well — you don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here. Go home to your wives, girlfriends, concubines, or other assorted companions. If you don’t have anyone to go home to, try hitting on the girl running concessions; she’s game for just about anything. Offer her some fresh popcorn for once and she’ll go loopy for you,

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The Wizard of Oz 2: The Reckoning

The Wizard of Oz 2: The Reckoning

This time it’s personal.

If your movie ad doesn’t start with a gravely voiced man saying “In a world where…”, then I don’t want to see it. That’s a disgusting waste of my time. Get out of my face with that lame garbage. If I was your father I’d beat those dirty, non-gravel-voiced thoughts out of your head. Every movie needs an ad with at least a gravel-voiced narrator. Anything less should be banned.

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