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Category: martial arts

Blessed Be the Portly, For They Shall Inherit the Neomedieval World

Blessed Be the Portly, For They Shall Inherit the Neomedieval World

[Fair warning: There’s a little casual swearing]

It’s awfully hard to prepare for an apocalypse that hasn’t arrived yet. You never know if you’re supposed to hoard gold coins or toilet paper. I figure toilet paper would make a more useful coin of the realm than actual coins WTSHTF, but what do I know? When in doubt, I go down in the basement to sort all the wood screws and put them in baby food jars. In zombie times, a goodly supply of screws is bound to prevail.

But what about self defense? If someone decides to get medieval on yo azz, are you ready to thrust, or parry, or advance-lunge, or disengage and run away properly? Or in the case of these fine specimens of medieval combat, are you prepared to lean on a tubby guy dressed by an HVAC contractor for long periods without passing out from boredom, inanition, or nerd B.O. ?

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Beware Old Man Strength

Beware Old Man Strength

The young feller didn’t beware old man strength. He pays for it. You have to watch out for those wiry old codgers, or they’ll sneak up on you. One minute they’re taking out their teeth, and the next minute they’re removing yours. You can’t take them lightly.

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Karate: The Dane Cook Of Martial Arts

Karate: The Dane Cook Of Martial Arts

Way out East there was this fella — fella I wanna tell ya about. Fella by the name of Karate Master. At least that was the handle his loving parents gave him, but he never had much use for it himself. Karate Master, he called himself Karate Master. Now, Karate Master — he didn’t make a whole lot of sense. And a lot about where he lived, likewise.

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MMA: The Only Sport Where You’re Supposed To Kick People While They’re Down

MMA: The Only Sport Where You’re Supposed To Kick People While They’re Down

My name is Rex, and if you study with my eight-week program you will learn a system of self defense that I developed over two seasons of fighting in the Octagon. It’s called Rex Kwon Do! After one week with me in my eight-week program, you’ll be prepared to defend yourself with the strength of a grizzly, the reflexes of a puma, and the wisdom of a man.

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All The Best Bands Are Affiliated With Satan — Or Karate

All The Best Bands Are Affiliated With Satan — Or Karate

There is nothing sexier than a confident man and his cinder blocks. A radical trend setter like this has to have at least a dozen groupies on hand at any given moment. This guy is welcome to join my Procol Harum tribute band as soon as he’s done being engulfed in admirers. Admirers of the female persuasion, no doubt. What a guy.

He doesn’t stop there either. His rippling biceps and luscious head of hair give him the air of a Greek god. He appears to have modeled himself after Apollo, the god of music, poetry, and Karate. Karate, of course, being one of his lesser known skills.

After all that he managed to leave us with a little kernel of knowledge to ponder upon. If you watch the video several times the message begins to form right before your eyes. A memo from a great man:

When in doubt, set it on fire. The first-degree burns make you look cool and sophisticated.