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Category: construction

So Easy, A Caveman Could Do It — Or Not

So Easy, A Caveman Could Do It — Or Not

I thought living in a cave was supposed to be a lot cheaper — and dirtier. I’m kind of disappointed. I was looking forward to moving into a cave someday, when all my children disown me, and my wife politely asks me to leave the house or she’ll call the cops. Living in a puddle of my own filth overlooking a scenic ravine seemed like a great way to spend my final days, but it turns out I can’t even afford that.

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Coincidentally, Communists And Quikrete Is The Name Of My Duran Duran Tribute Band

Coincidentally, Communists And Quikrete Is The Name Of My Duran Duran Tribute Band

(Warning: Some salty language in the soundtrack, but it’s all indecipherable for the most part. I’d mute it for the sake of your own sanity.)

It’s rather refreshing to see that the fellow working on the apartment was wearing close-toed shoes, long pants, and a long-sleeved shirt instead of flip-flops, culottes, and half a Slayer t-shirt. Call me old-fashioned, but I don’t believe in dressing like a Vietnamese serf when working on my house. Just because everyone on HGTV does demolition wearing nothing but a fig leaf and crocs, doesn’t mean you should too. Leave that behavior to the professionals who get paid enough to replace all the toes they cut off with robotic ones. It’s a little known fact that over 90 percent of all the renovation-TV-show hosts have robotic arms and legs because they keep cutting their limbs off. Norm Abram from Ask This Old House is more man than machine at this point.

At least renovation-TV-show hosts aren’t as bad as some of the other people on TV who have their entire body encased in silicone, so they can look like disturbing, fleshy, scarecrows for all eternity. I’d much rather be the Terminator than Pamela Anderson’s boobs. Err — actually, I might take that back. At least Pam’s boob gets to touch Pam’s other boob.

Everybody Was Surfin, Surfin Uruguay

Everybody Was Surfin, Surfin Uruguay

It’s getting harder and harder to catch gnarly waves while you’re on the job, which is why it’s always good to be prepared to surf whenever the opportunity presents itself. Unfortunately, the fellow in the excavator wasn’t prepared, so he pooped himself and fled the scene. We all know what happens to the guy who wrecks the 500,000 dollar piece of machinery, so maybe sprinting off into the sunset was a good idea, but surfing should always come first.

Savage beatings and threats of dismemberment from your supervisor is bad enough, but once your factor in the regret from not riding the excavator like the action-movie bad ass you aspire to be, life becomes unlivable. You might as well just take a bath with your toaster and get it over with, because you blew it, kiddo.

(Many thanks to Charles Schneider for sending this one our way)