Browsed by
Category: cars

Ladies and Gentlemen, the 2016 Atomic Doorstop and Alimony Parade

Ladies and Gentlemen, the 2016 Atomic Doorstop and Alimony Parade

Those are Lamborghinis.

The ancients believed that individual prosperity was a sign that God approved of you. In the modern world, a Lamborghini is a sign that the Devil thinks you have too much money. He figures you have so much dough that you’ll spend a quarter-mil on a car designed by eight-year-old boys and Italian men, which is pretty much the same thing.

Read More Read More

Vroom Vroom, Vrrrrrrr, Screech, Smash — Putter.

Vroom Vroom, Vrrrrrrr, Screech, Smash — Putter.

I’m sort of a car junkie. I like big cars, little cars, medium-sized cars, cars that go forwards, and cars that can go backwards. I’m especially fond of cars that can make both left and right turns. It can be very difficult to drive around town when you can only go forwards. I like to use pedestrians and low walls to change my car’s direction if I don’t have the luxury of a steering wheel.

Read More Read More

How To Parallel Park Your Aircraft Carrier

How To Parallel Park Your Aircraft Carrier

My name is Ford, and if you study with my eight-week program you will learn a system of operating a Nimitz-class aircraft carrier that I developed over two seasons of bombing Japan into a fine dust. It’s called Ford Kwon Do! After one week with me in my eight-week program, you’ll be prepared to crash into parked cars with the strength of a Ford, the reflexes of a cruise missile, and the wisdom of a man.

Read More Read More

You May Be Safer Than Everyone Else, But You’re Still Driving A Volvo

You May Be Safer Than Everyone Else, But You’re Still Driving A Volvo

My name is Volvo, and if you study with my eight-week program you will learn a system of crashing into things that I developed over two seasons of crashing into bollards on the way to prom. It’s called Volvo Kwon Do! After one week with me in my eight-week program, you’ll be prepared to crash with the strength of a Sherman Tank, the reflexes of a breezeblock, and the wisdom of a man.

Read More Read More