Look at that guy. He’s got it made. Nicholi Rogatkin is living the dream. He’s riding a bicycle for money.
Look at you, slaving away in your cubicle. You’re not riding a bicycle for money. You’re actually working. Well, not so much when you first get in. I know, traffic was pretty bad, and your iPhone alarm clock didn’t go off because you forgot to recharge it. Again. And even though you’re fashionably late, you gotta hit the break room. All the donuts will be scarfed in the first half hour, you just know it. Then you’ve got to hit the head, let’s be reasonable. And there’s no use pooping on your own time, so you’ve got to leave enough time for the entire sports section, with two courtesy flushes.
If I had a death wish, I’d answer the question, “Do these pants make my bum look big?” If I had a death wish, I’d answer the question, “What are you looking at?” If I had a death wish, I’d go back for seconds at the buffet on a cruise ship. …
This looks like it would be marvelous fun, if it wasn’t for the constant risk of driving headlong into a lamppost. At least there’s a good chance that a couple of squishy spectators will cushion your crash, but humans don’t make very good air bags.
My name is Kamer Kolar, and if you study with my eight-week program you will learn a system of going real fast, dude, that I developed over two seasons of drinking three Red Bulls before breakfast, a Monster before lunch, and three more Red Bulls before dinner. It’s called Kamer Kolar Kwon Do! After one week with me in my eight-week program, you’ll be prepared to dominate some gnarly corners with the strength of a grizzly, the reflexes of a puma, and the wisdom of a man.
Good evening, everyone. On tonight’s episode of Will It Shred, we’ll be shredding the hopes and dreams of every 11-year-old kid in America — or the only transportation that a 40-year-old with 3 DUIs can afford. That’s right, folks: when you’re banned from riding the bus because of your indecent exposure charges, you get a bike. Two wheels semi-inflated wheels, a seat that makes impalement look comfy, and a bell to annoy the neighbors, a bike is man’s best friend if all of your friends are dead or not returning your calls. On tonight’s show we’re throwing some bicycles into our shredder and seeing what happens. And now, a word from our sponsors.